I am currently celibate. Sounds boring, doesn't it? After a year of pregnancy and being involved with a clingy husband a lot of the romance in my life has gone "poof". For a long time, I imagined it was because of my husband, but then I realised it had more to do with me than with him. Some spark of who I was has died. The adventuresome has been replaced with creating snacks and games for babies, running errands, cleaning bathrooms. I've lost a lot of who I was. It's time to regain it.

A few months ago I discussed returning to polyarmoury - I'd done so before when I was younger and found it quite wonderful; being with different people opens up different aspects of yourself, and it's amazing what folks can bring out. At first, my husband was all for it because he thought it meant he could screw whoever he wanted to. I had to direct him to the proper way of poly, and we had to reach our own definitions. This is probably the most important part of entering into a poly relationship. A lot of people will tell you to read up on this or that book or join this or that group, but I've never found either to be very useful for me; the only way to be poly is to have some common sense and realise you're probably going to make a few mistakes on the way.

First of, poly isn't cheating. I am not "cheating" as my husband and I both have our agreements - we are responsible poly people. It is not a quick or easy shag either. Polyarmoury means "many loves" not "many fucks". There is a difference. While polyarmour has different means to everyone, this is my definition of poly according to ME:

Poly is a privilege, not a right.

Poly means you are responsible to your lovers and your SO, because each hold a place in your heart and your life.

Lies hold no place in poly - honestly amongst not only your lovers, but your lovers' lovers, is vital.

Poly does not mean swinging. It can be "casual" in the way of seeing each other now and again, but you do not just pick someone up, shag them, and call yourself poly.

Each person brings out a different aspect of yourself - do not be alarmed if you become a completely different person to your lover than you are with your SO. You're not "being a fake" - they are bringing out another aspect of yourself. You are like an onion, each layer resonates differently.

Poly itself has its limits, its trials and its heartbreaks. These are natural. Poly is intense, and sometimes it can be TOO intense. But you need to keep communication open.

Poly isn't a means to an end - it is not all about the sex. I love my husband but I don't sleep with him anymore. This doesn't mean our relationship is over - it just means we've got a different level. And I may have lovers I never sleep with. As long as that is acceptable to them, what's the problem?

That being said, finding someone who is willing to enter a poly relationship is still difficult. There are differing ideas of poly - some people just screw around, others are a bit predatory, and still others may be poly but their significant others don't know it yet! Be careful, trust your instincts. In other words, treat it just like any other relationship.

So, does that sound like something you can go for? Then, find your niche and work it!

LuCy